Ten Things Teachers Can’t Do at Work

(but would cause mass rioting in other occupations!)


We all have that friend who is a teacher.  Maybe she’s one of your parents. Maybe he’s one of your close college buddies or next-door neighbor.  Maybe you were just stuck next to a disgruntled teacher on your flight home from Miami who couldn’t shut up about their annoying students.  Or possibly, you are one yourself. God bless you! Either way, we’ve all heard many of their raves and rants.  Sure, you may have a vague recollection of what it was like for you in your academic years. But what was it like on the other side of that teacher podium?  It turns out, basic freedoms we take for granted, are at a serious premium. Luxuries are out of the question. And the day-to-day struggles and trials a teacher is forced to endure are suffering we wouldn’t wish upon our worst enemy!  The following is a taste of that struggle, Here is a list of ten things teachers can’t do at work, or maybe more appropriately named: Ten Reasons Why Wine is the Perfect Teacher Gift!

1 .Cuss: I mean it.  Never. Not when you’re in your room alone, not when you are in the hallway, not when you are behind closed doors, and especially not during the 7 hours that you are with the children.  Don’t even mouth the word because those kiddos who are eating their shoelaces while you unpack your objective are suddenly all ears when they sense any rage in the room.

2. Pee: You simply cannot.  You cannot leave your room with the tiny humans.  And once you do find someone to watch the tiny humans, coincidentally so did three other teachers.  And you can’t take away their bathroom time and make them rush because you know how long they have been waiting and like you how much they are going to enjoy the teacher gift of a 3-minute pee break in silence.  Once you flush that toilet though, you will immediately be worried about what the state of the room will be.

3. Poop: Imagine all of the above struggles plus poorly placed and translucent toilet paper that shreds in your hand.  Is it worth it? No. Stomach cramps today, 6 pack abs tomorrow. right?

4. Touch any surface without wondering what you just touched: Seriously. Think of stepping on a melted ice cube in your socks.  Worst feeling right? Wrong. Sitting on your desk and feeling a small tug as you stand back up because “hmmm I wonder what I just sat in?” 

5. Nothing: You will get eaten alive if you ever think of taking a break and doing nothing.  

6. Make any adult phone calls during the day: Trying to buy a home? Too bad.  Got a cold and need to make a doctor’s appointment? Too bad. Is your car making that screechy sound again? Sorry! You gotta wait until the kiddos leave.  Hah! And then guess what? All of those places that you needed to call, “are now closed for the day, please call back during normal business hours.” Once you do get through (by calling while inside of your supply closet) they have countless appointments from 9 am-2 pm! Great. Which takes us to… 

7. Take the day off: Sub plans, set up, behavior charts, meetings, parent emails, and the overwhelming odds of an awful substitute who will disregard all of those… yea, just don’t do it. 

8. Lose your train of thought: The second that you pause, they will sense your vulnerability.  They will pounce with random stories, comments, and requests. Their ideas will suddenly sound way better than yours and before you know it they are all going to the bathroom, getting tissues, tying their shoes together, going to the bathroom again, and taking a walk around the room.  Always be on point. Always have answers. Never falter. This is war your classroom.

9. Listen to music with words: The singing will begin and it will start cute and then end up escalating to a full-on free karaoke themed birthday party. Not to mention the questions about what the lyrics mean.

10. Eat a snack: “What is that?” “Wow, that looks delicious.” “I wish I could have a bite!” “Hey, why do you get to eat!” BECAUSE I WAS WORKING THROUGH MY LUNCH AND THIS STRING CHEESE BRINGS ME JOY!

SO next time you see a teacher, thank them.  Maybe with wine. Next time you are listening to a teacher complain about their job, listen to them. Maybe with wine.  Next time you think that you know what it is like to be an educator simply because you attended grade school, take a step back. Then go buy the best gift you can for all of your past, present and future teachers; WINE.