“You know, when people tell you that a monkey could LITERALLY do your job, well, that’s just offensive…to monkeys!” They are extremely dexterous and intelligent creatures.” Mr. Bushell, a local middle school teacher has taken this adage, used in most circles as an insult towards someone’s profession, to heart. But instead of taking it as an insult, he has done quite the opposite. Mr. Bushell has acquired a “team” of “highly trained” monkeys to “grade” his papers, so he doesn’t have to. Although this reporter won’t dismiss the idea that a team of monkeys given an infinite period of time, randomly smacking computer keys, could eventually reproduce the world’s greatest literature, I’m not sure I would trust a monkey with higher-order thinking. “See, that’s the thing”, he countered. “Grading papers is the most mind-numbing activity ever. Trust me, a monkey can handle it!”
After this reporter visited Mr. Bushell’s household, the only thing he could discern the monkey had accomplished was shitting and pissing all over the living room area. Predictably, most of the house smelled like a wastewater treatment plant. From the looks of it, Mr. Bushell seemed to cohabitate with these filthy pests almost too comfortably. Most of the rest of the house was in shambles and the bathroom looked like it was being used as some kind of amateur meth lab. “Yeah, I don’t think he has a girlfriend. Like ever. In fact, I’m not sure he has any friends” said an anonymous neighbor. “In fact, I only know he exists because I hear monkey screeches late at night. I have no idea what’s going on over there.”
Mr. Bushell’s neighbors aren’t the only ones who seem a bit perplexed by this whole situation. “See, this is what confuses me,” said Little Johnny, one of Mr. Bushell’s esteemed pupils. “Is this brown shit-stain over here indicating that my sentence structure is confusing or that I simply used the wrong conjugate?” The questions certainly abound. The girl sitting next to him, Cindy, was in a state of tears. “My paper is all ripped up, Mr. Bushell hated it!! My parents are going to kill me.” When asked about the ripped paper, Mr. Bushell offered, “Monkeys have incredible instincts. I’m sure she didn’t use proper MLA formatting or something…”
Unfortunately, upon the writing of the article, it was reported that Mr. Bushell sustained multiple lacerations and contusions to the face. When Cindy was asked to comment, she just mumbled something incoherent about ‘karma’. Sadly, the only thing that the monkeys truly accomplished was to bring truth to the old adage: “You can’t have a pet monkey and a face.”
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